The Relevance Illusion: Why You Don’t Have to Matter to Matter

I love a movie line that can rattle something loose in me. That’s the beautiful thing about truth. It sneaks up quietly.

In a recent movie I watched (which, overall, was terrible), a director asks his wife if he’s still relevant to her. There’s no hesitation in her response. No drama. Just softness. Stillness.

“We are all irrelevant,” she says.

It wasn’t cruel. It was clarity.

And it stayed with me.

The line echoed long after the scene ended. Not just because of the words, but because of how deeply they unstitched something I’ve been trying to name.

I touched on this idea in a previous post. 

This is a deeper unraveling.

What if the thing we’re all chasing—relevance—isn’t the point at all?

The Ego Trap of Relevance

We’re taught from a young age to stand out. To be somebody. To chase greatness, hustle for status, and curate a version of ourselves that matters.

So we run.

Toward titles. Toward metrics. Toward some imagined version of success where we’re finally seen, finally valued, finally enough.

Modern life pushes us to prove we matter. In our careers, we chase promotions and prestige. On social media, we chase visibility. Even in friendships, we worry if we’re included, tagged, remembered.

We are not what we do, we are not what we have, we are not what others think of us. Coming home is claiming the truth. ~ Henri J.M. Nouwen

We treat relevance like our existence depends on it.

But relevance is a social construct. An illusion shaped by metrics and mirrors—likes, resumes, award shows, performance reviews.

And the strange part? By the time you’re “relevant,” you might be so far from yourself that you no longer recognize who you were in the first place.

The more we chase relevance, the more disconnected we become. Because relevance depends on recognition—and recognition constantly shifts.

You’re not a résumé. You’re a soul.

What happens when the applause fades? When the promotion doesn’t come? When the thing you built no longer holds its shape?

If your worth depends on being something, who are you when that something disappears?

The Cost of Being “Important”

Relevance often comes at the cost of your presence, your peace, your ability to simply be.

I know this because I’ve lived it. I’ve pushed myself past limits to prove I was worthy. I’ve built my identity around what I could accomplish. I’ve watched people I love burn out trying to feel needed.

But relevance is fragile. It relies on someone else’s attention. And attention fades.

What lasts is not relevance. It’s intimacy. It’s trust. It’s the quiet knowing that you showed up fully, even if no one noticed.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight. ~E.E. Cummings

What If Relevance Isn’t the Point?

What if love is?
What if presence is?
What if tenderness, curiosity, truth-telling, and quiet impact are more meaningful than praise ever could be?

The most life-changing words I’ve ever spoken were whispered to someone in pain. Not broadcast to a crowd.

The most impactful things I’ve ever done weren’t posted or recorded. They were small. Intimate. Unseen.

And they mattered.

You Don’t Have to Impress to Belong

In a recent post, I asked: Who are you beneath the titles and curated image of success?

This is part two. This is where we ask: What’s left when the image fades?

What if you never win another award, publish another piece, get another promotion, or earn another compliment?

Would you still feel like enough?

Would the people who love you still recognize you without the glow of achievement?

If you stopped being impressive, would you still feel worthy?

If that question makes you pause, that’s not failure. It’s an invitation.

Let’s Redefine What Matters

What if love is the point?
What if connection is?
What if your worth isn’t something to earn, but something you already carry?

Relevance is a myth. Presence is the miracle.

I’ve had conversations that changed lives—and none of them were posted.
I’ve held hands during unspeakable moments—and none of them had hashtags.
I’ve felt most alive not when I was being praised, but when I was being real.

There is something sacred about what goes unseen.

None of Us Are Relevant. And That’s the Gift

Let this land: None of us are relevant.

Not in the grand scheme. Not by the world’s standards.

And maybe that’s exactly the freedom we’ve been searching for.

If relevance is a myth, the pressure lifts.

The things that matter most in our lives are not fantastic or grand. They are moments when we touch one another. ~Jack Kornfield

You don’t have to matter to the masses.
You don’t have to be exceptional to be enough.
You don’t have to impress to belong.

You don’t have to matter to the world to matter to someone.

You’re not here to be remembered.
You’re here to be present.
You’re not here to climb.
You’re here to love.
You’re not here to prove.
You’re here to feel.

Let go of the need to be “somebody.” Come home to the truth that you already are.